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| Comments by
Debra Lynn on Wednesday, September 01, 2010 at 22:33
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| I appreciate with all my heart your kind advice. This is the first time I have ever unburdened myself about my mother to anyone but my husband or my doctors. My father died at 42 suddenly of septicemia. My mother remarried and my stepfather died 15 years ago. Three weeks later my sister died at 44 suddenly of meningitis. My sister had many problems from our violent, chaotic childhood and I always believed when an illness that COULD take her came, she just let go. The same with my father and stepfather. She was always so mean. When we were little girls, she would drag us to the stove and turn on the burner and threaten to put our hand over the flame because she thought we had told a lie. My sister would pull at her waist(or I would pull at her if she was doing it to my sister) and beg, No, Mommy, No, No. I was always scared to death of her. I am 61 and I am STILL afraid of her. In every confrontation, in EVERY confrontation, she always wins because she throws a raging tantrum and people always give in to her. I guess I fear if I walk away from her, she will do something to me, something horrible. I feel so alone sometimes and so tired of trying to hold my own with her. I appreciate your advice, just being able to tell someone this is a release. All of Ann s killers are sociopaths but no one writes about mothers who are sociopaths or how you can still be afraid of her 61 years later! I am grateful for your insight.
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| Comments by
Colorado/California Rosie on Wednesday, September 01, 2010 at 19:37
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| Debra Lynne, I just read your post and my heart goes out to you. I have to tell you, the ARF's have given you some mighty good advice honey. I completely undrstand where you are coming from. But you also have to consider your own health and well being. Not seeing your mother does not mean you don't love her. You can only do so much. I spent over 16 years working in geriatric care in nursing homes, private homes, even an alzheimers unit. Beleive me, the staff are much more intune with the reality than you may realize. I have gone through some real hell with my own mother who is 84 now. She lies, screams, curses me out, steals...it just goes on and on. Debra Lynne, you don't hate your mother. I thought I hated mine and I finally realized I love her because she is my mother.....but I certainly don't like her. I am soon to be 63 and although my mother is living at home with her current husband, the day will come when she may need to live in a facility. I cannot have her in my home. Debra Lynne, do yourself a huge favor. Take some time for YOU. Don't feel guilty. You are not alone, trust me. I see you have a huge love for your mother...if not you would never have written what you did. But it sounds like her mind is not her own anymore....You cannot fix it dear. But you can take care of yourself. You owe it to yourself and your husband. Let the professionals handle your mother. You take care of you! A loving friend!
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| Comments by
Georgia Mary on Wednesday, September 01, 2010 at 19:35
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DEBRA LYNN - The Bible does say to honor your mother and father, but I think we are also to use our heads. That's why God gave them to us. You've had two strokes, are diabetic, and have hypertension?? Please follow your doctor's advice. You can still honor your mother without allowing her to destroy your life. Please let us know how you're doing.
Georgia Mary
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| Comments by
Patty on Wednesday, September 01, 2010 at 18:37
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| I, too, am hoping that you will write a book on the Lynn Turner case. Lynn was the 911 dispatcher near Atlanta that was convicted of killing her husband and her boyfriend with anti-freeze poisioning. When I heard on the news this week that she was found dead in her prison cell, I immediately thought of writing to you!!
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| Comments by
Jan from Atlanta on Wednesday, September 01, 2010 at 14:43
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| I agree, you should probably follow your doctors' advice and stay away from her. If she's staying in a nursing facility, they can take care of her without you having to visit the place. It sounds like a very sad situation, but you need to take care of yourself, too.
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| Comments by
Connie L. on Wednesday, September 01, 2010 at 14:31
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Debra Lynn,
I just came from my doctor, and read your post. How ironic it seems.
My mom turned 90 a week ago today. She has been on her death bed for 3 months now, and only weighs 50 lbs. She is now the opposit of how she used to be. In spite of having many tumors, 2 of which are on her brain, and very painful, she is now an absolute sweetheart.
The problem I am having is with acouple of my sisters kids. they have made it impossible for me to spend time with my mother. I was even physically attacked by them on Saturday evening. There have been many incidents that I won't go into, but I have actually been suicidal the last couple weeks.
My doctor told me I need to take care of myself, and my health first. He also highly suggested I stay completely away because the situation is so toxic for me.
I didn't realize I even had that option. They are the only family I have left, and I have tried very hard to hang on.
I am so sorry that your mom is mean. If you have an option, I would suggest you contact an agency, give them all her money or property if that is what they want, and let them worry about her while you are getting your health back.
I think our fathers are up there loving us for what we have done.
Good luck to you, and I hope others will keep us in their prayers.
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| Comments by
Pattie on Wednesday, September 01, 2010 at 10:22
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| Some things can't be changed. Follow your doctors advice. Practicing healthy detachment can be difficult but sometimes it's simply what we have to do.
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| Comments by
Debra Lynn on Wednesday, September 01, 2010 at 09:53
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| Pattie and Lauren: it is my mother, 81, who is the problem. She has ALWAYS been this way. It is exacerbated as she ages. Always causing trouble at the facility, lying, manipulating. She will lie rather than tell the truth about something inconsequential. Always playing me against staff, other family. Flies out of control, into rages. Her grandchildren have nothing to do with her. Because of HIPAA laws, I cannot speak to her MD, and she has told him not to talk to me. Same with nursing staff at facility. I am her only caregiver, i.e., shopper, errand runner. No one will cope with her for more than an hour. She is verbally abusive, insulting, demeaning. She is sharp mentally, paranoid definitely. I keep waiting for facility to throw her out and then what? My docs want me AWAY from her, I have had two strokes from stress of her. I am an insulin-dependent diabetic and hypertensive. How do I cope with her? I want to be kind but in my heart, I think I hate her. Bible says Honor Thy Mother and Father. She has always been a terrible bully, cruel and manipulative and a vicious enemy. I have nowhere to turn. Only my husband helps me with her. I see psychiatrist - he tells me stay away from her. But there is no one behind me to turn her over to. I get so tired from coping with her I just want to die sometimes. I need advice from others who cope with people with this disorder.
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| Comments by
mpsmith on Wednesday, September 01, 2010 at 09:34
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| Ms Rule....Just once I would like to pick up one of your books and actually be able to NOT use my every free waking moment compelled to finish it. You are such a great writer and I do appreciate your talent immensely.Also I can't imagine how all that you have written in these horrifying examples of humanity at its worst allows you any sleep at all. You have kept me up many a night with your tales, I thank you, but not when I have to get to work the following morning. Thanks so much, the very best in continued successs to you always.
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| Comments by
Gert McLean on Wednesday, September 01, 2010 at 09:23
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| Hi Ann I think of you often when I drive long distances. I have all your books on tape or CD. The story of Cinnamon Brown is on Lifetime today. Such a sad story. Take Care of yourself. Fondly, Gert
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